April 18th, 2021

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​Most Quotable wikiHow Advice on Making It in Hollywood

Want to make it in Hollywood and have literally no idea who is qualified to give you advice on it? Never fear. I've condensed the article on "How to Make It in Hollywood" to these best-of gems from the experts at wikiHow.

Get rid of your plan A.

The editor in me feels like this article started off with a typo, that they meant plan B. Then again, how do you know which is which when you're scraping the scum off the bathroom floor? (More on that later.)

Move to Hollywood.
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Seriously? Do I have to? Look at the guy from Deadpool and the chick from Gossip Girl. Look at that dude who was in that one thing five years ago. Hollywood made it onto the top 10 worst neighborhoods in the L.A. area. What about Bollywood? The cost of living is so much cheaper, please.

“If you can do anything else, do it.”
There's a phrase when it comes to Hollywood. The ones that make it in Hollywood never see themselves doing anything else. 

I never should have gone to therapy. Apparently I was at my peak when I couldn't hold down a job, dropped out of college, and did nothing but watch DVDs of Bradley Cooper movies, unintentionally mouthing the lines to myself. Let's leave the rockstar jobs to the ones we'd never want to share an open office with.

You can sleep when you're making the millions.
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How do you sleep at night? On a large pile of money, with many beautiful women.

​Be overly confident. ​

​If you're practically scraping the scum off the bathroom floor, take it. For starters, you need a job. 
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Gee thanks, this really brings me down from the last bullet point. Allow me to scrape my deflated ego off of the bathroom floor for you, Zooey Deschanel. Next thing you know 10 years have passed and I'm a migrant content farmer lying on the Hollywood Boulevard sidewalk where Kevin Spacey's star used to be, holding a sign that says "Will search engine optimize for IMDb credit."

Those bills won't pay themselves.

What are you, my dad? Or are you some creepy Weinstein replacement, trying to see how low I will go? Maybe they won't pay themselves, but maybe some alluring Fabio lookalike Scientologist "manager" will no credentials who is running a pyramid scheme will, just sayin'. This is Hollywood.

Get used to rejection. You're going to hear no's out your ears. You'll practically be swimming in rejections.

"Hear no's out your ears." How meta. A minute ago I was sleeping on a giant pile of money with many beautiful women. Ah, such is the Hollywood life.

Attach your computer to your side like its your Siamese twin and leave practically no time for eating and sleeping.

Doesn't sound very ergonomic, I'm not sure I can get any work done with my computer on my side, but at least I'll look like a writer. I'm hangry all the time, too thin to play the fat friend, too ugly to be the star, guiltily Ask Jeevesing "Is it okay to black face" at 4 a.m. out of sheer desperation. Maybe I still have a shot at being the hangry black lady.

Those are just fugacious temptations that will go away. Be patient and stick with your resolve. Otherwise you'll just be left wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.

Pretty sure fugacious isn't a word or if it is, it's above wikiHow reading level. Getting all profound on us now, eh?
Edit: I looked it up. It's a word. Am I even a writer? Where's my Siamese typewriter? I think I dozed off from starvation for a minute there, but I just did a bump from my Scientologist manager so I'm good now.

Don't listen to anyone. 

I assume that includes you, wikiHow Staff?

There is no one way to make it but to keep trying. 

Truth.



Original article here.